Saturday, 31 October 2009
29th of October (Thursday)
Calvin skipped morning lectures due to being 'ill'... again. He showed up for our production meeting pre-meeting though, but then went home before the actual meeting. Strange boy.
We won the Fab Cafe quiz without him. He was gutted.
We won the Fab Cafe quiz without him. He was gutted.
Thursday, 29 October 2009
28th of October (Wednesday)
A few months ago, I applied for me and Calvin to be on Bargain Hunt purely because I find the idea of Calvin being on Bargain Hunt absolutely hilarious.
We got a call asking if we're still interested today, so Calvin could be coming to a TV near you!
It's a shame David Dickinson doesn't present it anymore as him and Calvin would hit it off like a house on fire.
We got a call asking if we're still interested today, so Calvin could be coming to a TV near you!
It's a shame David Dickinson doesn't present it anymore as him and Calvin would hit it off like a house on fire.
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
27th of October (Tuesday)
We have a 'surprise' lecture tomorrow at 2pm -we've only been told about it today. Calvin's on his period again because he's still pretending to be ill so he's ignoring anyone who tries to get into his room so when I tried to let him know, he ignored me. I was also trying to return his batteries that Sean stole from him. How rude.
I stood there screaming weird noises at him for 15 minutes (until I had to put some more food in the oven) then for another 15 minutes (until the food was cooked) trying to do him a favour and I was just ignored. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have made an effort with him for half an hour, but I had nothing better to do until my food cooked. Still, what an insolent little shit.
I stood there screaming weird noises at him for 15 minutes (until I had to put some more food in the oven) then for another 15 minutes (until the food was cooked) trying to do him a favour and I was just ignored. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have made an effort with him for half an hour, but I had nothing better to do until my food cooked. Still, what an insolent little shit.
26th of October (Monday)
We watched 'Project Scotland' today, a documentary some friends made about their aborted hike through across some mountains in Scotland. Calvin went and so there was lots of footage of him slowly descending into madness where you could only pick out about 2 words per sentence as well as a fantastic bit of footage of everyone waiting for Calvin to catch up with them for about 20 minutes which set up a
"Come on Calvin!"
"FUCK...YOU!....FUCK...YOU!"
Calvin was going to go again next year but now he's re-watched the footage, he's thinking of pussying out.
"Come on Calvin!"
"FUCK...YOU!....FUCK...YOU!"
Calvin was going to go again next year but now he's re-watched the footage, he's thinking of pussying out.
Sunday, 25 October 2009
25th of October (Sunday)
We were walking home from the cinema and heard a weird noise. A little bit later, Calvin said "I hope that wasn't someone getting murdered".
"What?"
"Well, then I'd be held partly responsible"
In other news, Calvin is still pretending to be ill.
"What?"
"Well, then I'd be held partly responsible"
In other news, Calvin is still pretending to be ill.
Saturday, 24 October 2009
24th of October (Saturday)
Today was Calvin's last shift at Tesco. I wouldn't be surprised if he took a gun in and just started firing randomly into the queues.
Because Calvin's quit his job, he won't be going home very often. This worries him as he used to get most of his food given to him by his mummy when he went back each week and now that's over and done. And on top of that, he won't have any money to buy food with because he doesn't have a job any more. And he smokes. Idiot.
Because Calvin's quit his job, he won't be going home very often. This worries him as he used to get most of his food given to him by his mummy when he went back each week and now that's over and done. And on top of that, he won't have any money to buy food with because he doesn't have a job any more. And he smokes. Idiot.
23rd of October (Friday)
Calvin had to get up for ANOTHER 10am lecture today. He wasn't happy, especially as I slept until he got back from it at 2 in the afternoon.
I heard him watching Question Time in his room. He doesn't care about politics or the BNP or anything like that; he just wanted to see what they had to say about that Stephen Gately article in The Daily Mail.
He spent the rest of the day sleeping until his mummy or daddy or someone came to pick him up to go back home for the weekend at about 8:30 or so. I breathed all over the window and wrote "I LOVE YOU" in backwards writing in the condensation. Calvin pretended that he didn't see it. His mummy/daddy/whoever drove off awkwardly.
I heard him watching Question Time in his room. He doesn't care about politics or the BNP or anything like that; he just wanted to see what they had to say about that Stephen Gately article in The Daily Mail.
He spent the rest of the day sleeping until his mummy or daddy or someone came to pick him up to go back home for the weekend at about 8:30 or so. I breathed all over the window and wrote "I LOVE YOU" in backwards writing in the condensation. Calvin pretended that he didn't see it. His mummy/daddy/whoever drove off awkwardly.
22nd of October (Thursday)
Calvin hadn't recovered from getting no sleep on Monday yet so he wasn't happy about getting up at 9:30 for a lecture today.
All he did was moan, then he had the nerve to complain about me 'moaning' about my kick-ass bolognese I'd cooked and I was looking forwards to eating. This wasn't moaning, it was excessive anticipation, but Calvin can't read emotions -that's why he's such an insolent little shit at times.
He spent most of the rest of the day asleep.
All he did was moan, then he had the nerve to complain about me 'moaning' about my kick-ass bolognese I'd cooked and I was looking forwards to eating. This wasn't moaning, it was excessive anticipation, but Calvin can't read emotions -that's why he's such an insolent little shit at times.
He spent most of the rest of the day asleep.
Thursday, 22 October 2009
21st of October (Wednesday)
We went to the Fab Cafe pub-quiz. Our usual team name is some movie title with 'Calvin' in place of one of the words. My favourite so far is one of mine: An American Werewolf in Calvin.
We've reached a level of fame within the quiz due to doing well every week and so this week, we were beaten by a team named I Shagged Calvin's Mum.
Best. Name. Ever.
We've reached a level of fame within the quiz due to doing well every week and so this week, we were beaten by a team named I Shagged Calvin's Mum.
Best. Name. Ever.
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
20th of October (Tuesday)
Calvin didn't get any sleep last night (literally). We went to animation and produced some storyboards he'd made. There were 3 pictures per page of A4, but he could have easily fit 6 on each side at least. He'd layed them out so it looked like he'd done more work than he actually had.
I hid in his cupboard again and waited for him to settle down before jumping out, screaming. He nearly had a heart-attack... again. My goal is to get him to a point where he can't go into his room without checking his cupboard for me -sort of like induced OCD.
Here's a picture of Calvin from last night. It's the most unsubtle checking out of someone's arse I have seen in my entire life.
I hid in his cupboard again and waited for him to settle down before jumping out, screaming. He nearly had a heart-attack... again. My goal is to get him to a point where he can't go into his room without checking his cupboard for me -sort of like induced OCD.
Here's a picture of Calvin from last night. It's the most unsubtle checking out of someone's arse I have seen in my entire life.

19th of October (Monday)
Calvin was in his dressing gown when I left for directing at 2 in the afternoon, today. He told me that he was going to 'cuddle up with a film and some Milk Tray'. When I got back about 4 hours later, he was still in his dressing gown.
Then he went on a gay night out and posed for lots of photos he now hates because he thinks they make his chin look huge.
Then he went on a gay night out and posed for lots of photos he now hates because he thinks they make his chin look huge.
Monday, 19 October 2009
18th of October (Sunday)
Calvin came back today, only to beg me to go and see Halloween II with him despite how it's obviously crap. He kept up his begging for a good 4 hours moreorless non-stop. Eventually I gave in because I'm really lovely to him (and he doesn't deserve it).
As expected, the film sucked but Calvin secretly enjoyed it. It's probably one of his favourite films, second only to the first one.
When we got back, I hid in Calvin's cupboard whilst he was in the bathroom, brushing his teeth. He almost had a heart-attack when I jumped out, screaming, but he wasn't allowed to get angry because I went to see Halloween II with him. Free pass, baby.
As expected, the film sucked but Calvin secretly enjoyed it. It's probably one of his favourite films, second only to the first one.
When we got back, I hid in Calvin's cupboard whilst he was in the bathroom, brushing his teeth. He almost had a heart-attack when I jumped out, screaming, but he wasn't allowed to get angry because I went to see Halloween II with him. Free pass, baby.
Sunday, 18 October 2009
17th of October (Saturday)
Calvin started following this Blog today. Calvin, you're a minor internet celebrity!
16th of October (Friday)
Calvin spent most of today preparing to quit his job. He's scared of the woman he works for. Pussy.
Friday, 16 October 2009
15th of October (Thursday)
I bought a piece of pig-trachea from the pet-store in the market today (presumably being sold for dogs to chew on). I left it in Calvin's fridge compartment to freak him out but whilst there, saw that his milk was leaking. I mentioned the leak to him and he went batshit insane, shouting about how someone has been using his milk. He was so angry, he didn't even notice the pig-throat; that prank's now on hold.
Conor owned up to using the milk (Conor's borrowed milk from Calvin in the past and Calvin has been very unhappy because he's uptight).
Later, Conor accidentally smashed Calvin's one and only bowl whilst doing the washing up. Calvin came into my room, deflated. He was really angry, but at the same time knew he wasn't justified in being angry because it was an accident and who only has one bowl for God's sake?
Calvin was going to go on a gay night out, then he changed his mind because he couldn't find more than one person to go with him, then he changed his mind because he found more people to go with him, then he changed his mind because he was tired, then the extra people dropped out, then Calvin went out anyway. No doubt, he'll bring back someone, get bummed, then complain about it tomorrow.
Conor owned up to using the milk (Conor's borrowed milk from Calvin in the past and Calvin has been very unhappy because he's uptight).
Later, Conor accidentally smashed Calvin's one and only bowl whilst doing the washing up. Calvin came into my room, deflated. He was really angry, but at the same time knew he wasn't justified in being angry because it was an accident and who only has one bowl for God's sake?
Calvin was going to go on a gay night out, then he changed his mind because he couldn't find more than one person to go with him, then he changed his mind because he found more people to go with him, then he changed his mind because he was tired, then the extra people dropped out, then Calvin went out anyway. No doubt, he'll bring back someone, get bummed, then complain about it tomorrow.
14th of October (Wednesday)
Happy birthday, Calvin!
Calvin is now 20. This upsets him as he's a fifth of a century old and he's accomplished nothing. He's nearly dead.
I gave Calvin this diary (in hardback book form) as his birthday present. He was creeped out. I took it back so I can carry on writing it. I'm great at presents.
We went to the Fab Cafe pub quiz and came 2nd which got us a free round of drinks. Allen's team had obviously won, but someone had marked them wrongly so we got our free drinks in before things were sorted out. We were actually 3rd and didn't deserve anything. Me and Sean got the most expensive drink in house as per usual, whereas Calvin went for a single shot of Sailor Jerry's and Coke. What is wrong with him?
Then we went home and me and Jonni got a chinese take-away in Calvin's honour. What a mental night of partying.
Calvin is now 20. This upsets him as he's a fifth of a century old and he's accomplished nothing. He's nearly dead.
I gave Calvin this diary (in hardback book form) as his birthday present. He was creeped out. I took it back so I can carry on writing it. I'm great at presents.
We went to the Fab Cafe pub quiz and came 2nd which got us a free round of drinks. Allen's team had obviously won, but someone had marked them wrongly so we got our free drinks in before things were sorted out. We were actually 3rd and didn't deserve anything. Me and Sean got the most expensive drink in house as per usual, whereas Calvin went for a single shot of Sailor Jerry's and Coke. What is wrong with him?
Then we went home and me and Jonni got a chinese take-away in Calvin's honour. What a mental night of partying.
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
13th of October 2009 (Tuesday)
Calvin and I had to come up with ideas for animated films at uni today and storyboard them. I made something great up on the spot but Calvin doesn't have an imagination so he didn't.
Calvin made me sit around for an hour in our uni building's reception, waiting for a screening of the film M. It was lame and we couldn't follow any of it as it's German and the subtitles were white writing on a predominantly white background. Calvin left after about half an hour after he made me attend. Dick.
I snuck away and bought him a giant French Fancy for his birthday tomorrow. He'll probably cry at that. It's definitely the nicest thing anybody has ever done for him (people rarely even give Calvin a reach-around). As if that wasn't enough, me and Jonni are organising some sort of birthday shindig for him tomorrow. Calvin's lucky to have us as friends. Frankly, we're out of his league.
Calvin made me sit around for an hour in our uni building's reception, waiting for a screening of the film M. It was lame and we couldn't follow any of it as it's German and the subtitles were white writing on a predominantly white background. Calvin left after about half an hour after he made me attend. Dick.
I snuck away and bought him a giant French Fancy for his birthday tomorrow. He'll probably cry at that. It's definitely the nicest thing anybody has ever done for him (people rarely even give Calvin a reach-around). As if that wasn't enough, me and Jonni are organising some sort of birthday shindig for him tomorrow. Calvin's lucky to have us as friends. Frankly, we're out of his league.
12th of October 2009 (Monday)
Calvin was lazy and stayed home for most of today. He ate pizza which he had in the fridge, on a plate, wrapped in cling-film for lunch, then his mother and sister I'm going to sleep with showed up to take him out to dinner.
He insisted that I watch Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween with him so that we can see the sequel on his birthday this Wednesday (Calvin traditionally goes to the cinema on his birthday. For his 18th, he saw The Invasion. I don't envy his life). It was one of the worst films I have ever seen.
I ate his birthday biscuits.
He insisted that I watch Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween with him so that we can see the sequel on his birthday this Wednesday (Calvin traditionally goes to the cinema on his birthday. For his 18th, he saw The Invasion. I don't envy his life). It was one of the worst films I have ever seen.
I ate his birthday biscuits.
Monday, 12 October 2009
11th of October 2009 (Sunday)
Calvin knocked on my door this morning to complain about his terrible night.
The highlight of his night out was getting off with a woman. He talked about how her face was soft and lovely. I always knew he was straight, it's just a case of sneaking some straight porn onto his computer and waiting for him to find it now.
He also took poppers, apparently they didn't loosen up his arsehole like they're supposed to.
The highlight of his night out was getting off with a woman. He talked about how her face was soft and lovely. I always knew he was straight, it's just a case of sneaking some straight porn onto his computer and waiting for him to find it now.
He also took poppers, apparently they didn't loosen up his arsehole like they're supposed to.
Sunday, 11 October 2009
10th of October 2009 (Saturday)
Calvin was really freaked out by Becky's friends who were downstairs today. He made me go downstairs with him so he could cook dinner and feel less awkward around them.
Then he got drunk and told me that I'm like a pet of his if he were into beastiality.
Then he got drunk and told me that I'm like a pet of his if he were into beastiality.
9th of October 2009 (Friday)
Calvin had his period today. He told me how he hated me and he's glad he gets to move out of our house next year. Presumably it passed fairly quickly as he later told me how I'm his favourite person and he loves me.
We went to the Leeds Light Festival, a load of pretentious 'art' installations around the city with no actual depth or purpose. Calvin loved it because he enjoys shit, that is until we got to an attraction that a hairy man Calvin had a one-night-stand with was working at.
Calvin and me decided to watch Grizzly Man. Half-way through he complained that it was more disturbing than and not quite the laugh-riot he'd expected. For the record, I did warn him and give him the option of watching Borat. Fool.
We went to the Leeds Light Festival, a load of pretentious 'art' installations around the city with no actual depth or purpose. Calvin loved it because he enjoys shit, that is until we got to an attraction that a hairy man Calvin had a one-night-stand with was working at.
Calvin and me decided to watch Grizzly Man. Half-way through he complained that it was more disturbing than and not quite the laugh-riot he'd expected. For the record, I did warn him and give him the option of watching Borat. Fool.
8th of October (Thursday)
I can't remember what happened today so for the sake of argument, Calvin beat up a pregnant woman because she was black and he didn't want her to bring any more 'little turd-piglets' into the world. What a horrible racist.
7th of October 2009 (Wednesday)
Calvin worked his little socks off on a film-pitch for our course at uni today.
We went to the Fab Cafe pub quiz to cool-off after a hard day (plus we always go). We won (Calvin didn't have any input but he still got a cut of the winnings). Then we went to see Zombieland afterwards. Calvin went straight on Facebook to spoil the surprise cameo for everyone because he's a prick sometimes.
We went to the Fab Cafe pub quiz to cool-off after a hard day (plus we always go). We won (Calvin didn't have any input but he still got a cut of the winnings). Then we went to see Zombieland afterwards. Calvin went straight on Facebook to spoil the surprise cameo for everyone because he's a prick sometimes.
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
6th of October, 2009 (Tuesday)
Calvin opened a proverbial door today by going to Greggs. I finally convinced him to give them a try instead of Subway. But he bought a pizza-baguette. Why do I even bother?
We went shopping at Morrisons where his mum phoned him. He started to talk like a parody of himself; presumably his accent has weakened from living around normal people.
There was a small Asian woman eating a Greggs pizza-baguette in the super-market. I told Calvin that it was him in 20 years.
We went shopping at Morrisons where his mum phoned him. He started to talk like a parody of himself; presumably his accent has weakened from living around normal people.
There was a small Asian woman eating a Greggs pizza-baguette in the super-market. I told Calvin that it was him in 20 years.
Tuesday, 6 October 2009
5th of October 2009 (Monday)
Calvin went on Carnegay's night out (the Leeds met gay/bi/lezzer/tranny/shemale society) tonight and came back the drunkest I've ever seen him.
He spent much of the night singing along incredibly loudly to the Disney sequence from the recent season-opener of Family Guy.
Then he came into my room and slowly removed items of clothing whilst I was working on the PC. First his belt, then he unbuttoned his shirt, then I turned around to see him taking his trousers off wearing nothing but his boxers.
I asked him what he was doing. "I'm getting undressed! Do you have a problem with that?!" he replied. Then he stood staring at me for a few seconds before scooping his clothes up and marching into his room.
For the first time, Calvin has one-upped me. I'm genuinely uncomfortable, scared and confused.
He spent much of the night singing along incredibly loudly to the Disney sequence from the recent season-opener of Family Guy.
Then he came into my room and slowly removed items of clothing whilst I was working on the PC. First his belt, then he unbuttoned his shirt, then I turned around to see him taking his trousers off wearing nothing but his boxers.
I asked him what he was doing. "I'm getting undressed! Do you have a problem with that?!" he replied. Then he stood staring at me for a few seconds before scooping his clothes up and marching into his room.
For the first time, Calvin has one-upped me. I'm genuinely uncomfortable, scared and confused.
Monday, 5 October 2009
4th of October 2009
I annoyed Calvin by trying to pick his room's lock today. I told him part of the paperclip had broken off inside the lock and he nearly shat himself with rage. It hadn't really.
He was having an important meeting with Allen so I pinned a drawing of a cock to his door. He found it so I pinned an empty crisp-packet to his door with a tissue inside. I told him it was a 'spunky tissue' but it wasn't really. Then I pinned a bin-bag of rubbish to his door and went to the toilet. When I got back, he was banging on my door and shouting because he thought I was still inside.
I told Calvin that he looks a bit simian. He didn't like it. The truth hurts.
I took a Fab lolly out of the freezer and started eating it; Calvin nearly shat himself with with rage for the second time. Calvin bought a box of Fabs you see, but little to his knowledge: I bought one too. "You've crossed a line!" he exclaimed before I explained. He felt silly afterwards.
I was playing with Calvin's cigarettes and he bent one a tiny bit whilst trying to grab it back, then he stormed upstairs grumbling about how he's going to move out next year. I put tape over the lightswitch outside our rooms sticking it in the off position so that he won't be able to turn the light on when he goes to the toilet in the middle of the night.
He was having an important meeting with Allen so I pinned a drawing of a cock to his door. He found it so I pinned an empty crisp-packet to his door with a tissue inside. I told him it was a 'spunky tissue' but it wasn't really. Then I pinned a bin-bag of rubbish to his door and went to the toilet. When I got back, he was banging on my door and shouting because he thought I was still inside.
I told Calvin that he looks a bit simian. He didn't like it. The truth hurts.
I took a Fab lolly out of the freezer and started eating it; Calvin nearly shat himself with with rage for the second time. Calvin bought a box of Fabs you see, but little to his knowledge: I bought one too. "You've crossed a line!" he exclaimed before I explained. He felt silly afterwards.
I was playing with Calvin's cigarettes and he bent one a tiny bit whilst trying to grab it back, then he stormed upstairs grumbling about how he's going to move out next year. I put tape over the lightswitch outside our rooms sticking it in the off position so that he won't be able to turn the light on when he goes to the toilet in the middle of the night.
Sunday, 4 October 2009
Saturday, 3 October 2009
2nd of October 2009
We (me and friends, not me and Calvin) went to see The Invention of Lying today. Calvin said he'd come even though he hates Ricky Gervais because he owes me for going to see that shitty Dorian Gray film with him, then he ran away. He was so smug when I told him the film was only "alright".
He rang me up asking when I was going to see Toy Story in 3D. I told him I was waiting until he comes back on Sunday (he's gone home for the weekend) and he nearly started crying. That's probably the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for him.
When he left, he didn't turn the TV off. Little shit should think about the enviornment for once, he already pollutes it enough with his second-hand smoke and his gayness.
He rang me up asking when I was going to see Toy Story in 3D. I told him I was waiting until he comes back on Sunday (he's gone home for the weekend) and he nearly started crying. That's probably the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for him.
When he left, he didn't turn the TV off. Little shit should think about the enviornment for once, he already pollutes it enough with his second-hand smoke and his gayness.
1st of October 2009
Calvin's loan came in today; he wasted lots of money on shit DVDs and needlessly expensive blu-rays.
We played movie Buzz; on one round Pierce Brosnan and Audrey Hepburn came up as specialist subjects. You should have seen the look on his little, gay face.
We played movie Buzz; on one round Pierce Brosnan and Audrey Hepburn came up as specialist subjects. You should have seen the look on his little, gay face.
30th of September 2009
Calvin met with Dan to watch Fame at the cinema today. He bumped into Conor and was silent on the walk home. Serves him right, I told him it would be shit. I'd like to think that in the future, Calvin won't go to see any old crap purely for Kelsey Grammar but I fear this is too much to ask.
29th of September 2009
Calvin woke up today and made scrambled eggs. He obviously did it so that he'd have another excuse not to try my scrambled eggs. I made him try them anyway and he liked them so much he wanted a bit with smoked-salmon but I had used all of the smoked-salmon on my last batch; serves him right.
I overslept which made Calvin about 2 minutes late for lectures. He didn't say anything but he's obviously secretly terrified that this is going to become a regular thing.
I overslept which made Calvin about 2 minutes late for lectures. He didn't say anything but he's obviously secretly terrified that this is going to become a regular thing.
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