29th of November (Sunday)

Me and Calvin were talking in our rooms' respective doorways whilst I ate pizza. He started to close the door on me so I stuck the pizza box in the door so he couldn't close it, then ran into my room and slammed the door, leaving him with a pizza box to dispose of.
He stuck it in my doorway so I unfolded it and slid it under his door. He started panic-giggling as he realised what was happening and tried to push it back from his side of the door. I ripped the back of the pizza box off and started to push that under the door whilst the first bit was still being pushed on the left. Calvin was unable to stop 2 bits of box being pushed into his room at once and soon the whole box was in there.

I won the battle of the pizza box.

27th of November (Friday)

Calvin spent today making paper-chains in his room. He did this so he wouldn't have to buy any tinsel to decorate for Christmas. When he was finished, he realised that paper-chains look shit and bought some tinsel anyway.

26th of November (Thursday)

I'm going to stop this one-post-a-day format for Calvin's blog because it's too much effort to update every day and it's too much effort to think back a few days ago. And this isn't even an entry about what happened to Calvin on the 26th of November.

25th of November (Wednesday)

Calvin has a boyfriend now and as such, is too happy to be a comedic character anymore. This could mean the end of the diary unless something bad happens in his life soon. We'll see.

On the way up the stairs, I heard Calvin screaming something along the lines of "Just fucking die! Grrr" to himself in his room. Apparently he was playing Quantum of Solace online, but I'm not so sure.

24th of November (Tuesday)

Calvin changed a light-bulb for the first time in his life today.

He wore a rubber glove like I did the time I had to stick my finger in the actual outlet due to the bulb shattering due to an electrical surge... except this was just for a normal bit of bulb-changing. He then told me to hold on to him in case he got electricuted. I explained to him that that'd cause me to be shocked as well. He said "Exactly, if I go, I'm taking you down with me". It would have been funny if he was joking.

23rd of November (Monday)

I stole Calvin's Pokemon game a few days ago. I went into his room and he wasn't there so I thought about hiding in his cupboard but then decided the joke was getting old. Instead, I decided to take something. I went for the cartridge in his DS so that he'd pick it up and freak out at some point.
Today, I told him that I had something of his and then watched as he looked inside every single one of his blu-ray cases to check that the disc was there. He eventually found that his game was missing and came to my room, complaining. I gave him the game back and a hug because he looked like he was going to cry from the shock.

22nd of November (Sunday)

Me and Allen held rehearsals for the actors in our film that Calvin wrote. The actors complained about the last line being weak; I told Calvin and he wouldn't believe that I wasn't trying to wind him up but got really worried that it might be true at the same time. It was.

21st of November (Saturday)

I crept up behind Calvin to scare him today. He was in the living room, perusing through the fridge, went "oooh" in his usual Calvinny way and then started smelling it (for you see, he could smell the corned beef in there and found it most appetising).
He turned around and half-fell backwards into the fridge with fright. He said he was embarrassed that I'd caught him giving the fridge a good whiff so I thought I'd post about it here to multiply said embarrassment.

20th of Novemeber (Friday)

Calvin told us the story of how he and his current fancy-man had their first kiss tonight. Apparently they were awkward together for a while, then Calvin snapped and said "Look, if I don't kiss you right now, I'm going to go home and kill myself".

And for the record, he didn't want to come across as needy, desperate or slightly deranged.

19th of November (Thursday)

Here's a treat from the past: an exchange me and Calvin and Calvin's friend had on one of Calvin's Facebook status-updates ages ago.

Calvin Dyson knows he shouldn't... But he's looking forward to seeing "Sorority Row"...

Jordan Cockcroft
me too :D

Sol Máquina
Lmfao Cockcroft

Jordan Cockcroft
why lmfao?

Sol Máquina
Cock, like a penis. Get it?

Jordan Cockcroft
jeez you'd be suprised that i never hear that joke?.

Calvin Dyson
Ignore Sol, he thinks Mike Myers is funny...

Jordan Cockcroft
ooh i love mike myers :)

Sol Máquina
Coming from a guy who's never seen Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery and was just saying how perfect Mike Myers was in Shrek?

Jordan Cockcroft
calvin you havn't seen austin powers? thats just terrible. i thought you where some movie buff?

Calvin Dyson
What the hell is this? Don't gang up on me!

Sol Máquina
He's not just a movie-buff, he's a James Bond-obsessive movie-buff.

Jordan Cockcroft
i cannot believe you have not seen austin powers. sort it out man

Sol Máquina
Also, lmfao. Lara Cockcroft. Like, a giant penis with some guns trying to rescue a golden statue of a monkey.

Jordan Cockcroft
LOL

Sol Máquina
Lmfao, a small cock farm.

Sol Máquina
Once they sprout, it's easy to make them grow.

Jordan Cockcroft
cock farm? what the hell

Sol Máquina
Croft, small farm. Keep up.

Peggy Cockcroft, a 1930s, English porn star.

Jordan Cockcroft
i didn't know a croft was a small farm, thats all. whats with the hatred of my name?

Sol Máquina
You seem a bit wound up. Maybe you should mix yourself a cocktailcroft to calm your nerves.

Sol Máquina
Or maybe you could take out the negative energy on a shuttlecockcroft in a game of badminton.

Calvin Dyson
And they said sarcasm was the lowest form of wit...

Jordan Cockcroft
im really not bothered that you put cock and croft and mix it with somthing new at all :) its a name at the end of the day.

Sol Máquina
Why don't you go and fly a plane Jordan, you can sit in the cockpitcroft.

Jordan Cockcroft
i just may do :) thanks for the suggestion. :)

Sol Máquina
Why don't you go and eat some cock...croft... soup? Rooster? I can't make this one work.

Sol Máquina
Peniscroft.

Jordan Cockcroft
i liked the end one. i enjoy your witty banter :)

Sol Máquina
I bet Jordan is using a Microcockcroft computer.

Jordan Cockcroft
im actually using a macock. yay i joined in

Sol Máquina
My cockcroft is soft.

Jordan Cockcroft
thats possibly the best line you've said all night

Sol Máquina
You scoffed over my cockcroft?

Jordan Cockcroft
i did indeed :)

Sol Máquina
My cockcroft just coughed... up some white water.

Jordan Cockcroft
damn thats rude


Calvin deletes my comments about his name nowadays because he believes in censorship.

18th of November (Wednesday)

I was dressed as a woman for a short 'film' yesterday. Calvin complained today, that he didn't take the time to "take me in" when he had the chance. Apparently I just looked like a woman as opposed to a man dressed as a woman. It's because I'm pretty and Calvin loves me and he's straight but doesn't realise it and I'm going to make him realise but then he'll realise he's actually a bit gay because the girl who made him straight was a boy.

17th of November (Tuesday)

Calvin and his fancy-man went on a third-date tonight. They went to a gay bar and bumped into a man they'd both slept with. The gays really do have their own sub-society within ours, it's fascinating. I mean, even if a guy and a girl were on a date and they'd both slept with someone they bumped into, the chances of it being brought into the conversation are even more minimal than that scenario occuring in the first place.

Calvin got a text from the fancy-man whilst in my room and sort of melted a bit whilst "awwww"ing at it. It read "I can't sleep because I'm thinking of you x". Jesus.
I sent Calvin a text because I knew he'd think it was yet another of the many texts from his fancy man and get all excited about it. It read "I can't sleep because I'm thinking of you and I can't cum x". I stood outside his room and heard his phone-alert followed by a rummage. Then he opened the door and gave me a stare of death.

16th of November (Monday)

I can't remember what Calvin did today so instead here's a snippet I forgot to include from the past, an actual, real-life Calvin quote from when we walked home after seeing Harry Brown:

"The only people that don't annoy me are white males aged 18-55".

15th of November (Sunday)

Calvin had a 2nd date tonight. I don't approve of the guy. I've never met him, but I read his Facebook profile and he filled out his favourite books section with magazines.

Later, I called Calvin a hymen. The reference went over his head. I asked if he knew what a hymen was and he said "It's something to do with women".

14th of November (Saturday)

Me and Calvin saw a film narrated by David Hyde Pierce today. The director did a Q&A afterwards and someone asked about David; this lead to about 10 minutes of talk about how great David Hyde Pierce is. This made Calvin moist.

13th of November (Friday)

Me and Calvin went to a screening of The Blair Witch Project tonight. When we got home, Calvin put the latch on the door and double-checked that all the locks were locked. Then, he got scared when I turned the light out in the corridoor.
I waited outside the bathroom whilst he was in it because I needed to get in. When he opened the door, he lept out of his skin and somehow managed to turn the light off and on a few times in the process which made him jump even more.

12th of November (Thursday)

Calvin went on a date today.

He told me how he made a huge risky gamble by taking the guy to Fab Cafe (a nerd bar). Then he told me how the guy likes Star Trek. That isn't a gamble.

Later, he told me how he told the guy the only joke he knows.
"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Rape".
Surely THAT was the gamble.

11th of November (Wednesday)

Me and Calvin saw some animated short films competing at Leeds Film Festival today. Calvin loved a really shitty, pretentious film that was a French poem about some old woman cheating on her husband. He liked it because there was a bit where her husband was at a computer screen with cobwebs on him. It's things like this that make me think that Calvin might be gay.
We went to the Fab Cafe quiz as usual and another team had a name making fun of Calvin again. They were called something like 'The Big Fat Calvins'. Best name ever.

10th of November (Tuesday)

I've re-captured the metaophorical flag of who-can-make-the-other-feel-more-awkward that Calvin stole from me when he got naked in my room recently.

We had a hug, I told him I had a semi-chubb on and he had a heart-attack of disgust.

9th of November (Monday)

Calvin didn't do anything interesting today because he's boring.

8th of November (Sunday)

I've seen over 10 films at the Leeds International Film Festival now and not once have they actually asked me to produce my pass or any ID to prove the tickets are mine. Calvin has seen something like 6 films and on the last 2, they asked him for ID. Twice in a row. Proof that his gay hat makes him look suspicous.

7th of November (Saturday)

Today was Calvin's sister's birthday. He refused to give her a card from me if I bought her one because "it would be weird". He says I'm never meeting her ever incase I try anything on.
On the way back from town, me and Allen bumped into Calvin as he was being picked up from outside our house. His sister was in the car. Calvin gave me a stare of death so I told him I loved him loud enough for people inside any nearby cars to hear.

6th of November (Friday)

Calvin's blood test came back today, turns out it was glandular fever after all.

I find it hilarious because as it's transmitted orally and lies dormant in the body for ages before kicking off, Calvin obviously picked it up from being a massive slag and will have passed it on to countless other people in the mean time -and it'll probably ruin their Christmas. Calvin's first STD.

If I come down with glandular fever in a month or so, I'm going to be really annoyed because it's going to make it look like me and Calvin are secret lovers.

5th of November (Thursday)

Instead of watching colourful things explode in the sky for free at Hyde Park tonight, Calvin opted to walk half an hour and pay money to watch CGI animated explosions at the cinema.

4th of November (Wednesday)

Calvin came back today as the Leeds International Film Festival was starting and he had a pass for it. What's a serious illness vs a £60 investment?

He didn't think that much of The Men Who Stare at Goats but fell in love with the author of the book that it's based on who did a Q&A afterwards because he reminded him of Woody Allen.

3rd of November (Tuesday)

Calvin told me to come up with a good excuse for him not going in to uni today. I told him that potentially having diabetes or glandular fever was probably a good enough excuse in itself.

2nd of November (Monday)

Calvin had a doctor's appointment booked last week but his mum canceled it because she was certain he had swine flu and the government say not to go to the doctors if you have swine flu. He went today and they think he has either diabetes, glandular fever or something else, equally as bad that he can't remember the name of. Silly Calvin's mum.

1st of November (Sunday)

Today, Calvin was lured back home by his mother using Sunday roast dinner as bait. He said he'd be back at 6:00 so we could go see a film at the cinema. Allen came over to get some important work done with me and him on our film project at Uni.

Then he decided to stay at home because he loves the attention his mummy gives him for being 'ill'. He put a kiss on the end of the text he sent, telling me, to try and 'sweet-talk' his way out of us being annoyed. Love you too, Calvin. x

31st of October (Saturday)

Calvin dressed as Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas for Halloween.




He insisted that it wasn't Sally and was a personification of 'tragedy': a person who has been torn apart and put back together. This might have been a believable excuse if he hasn't told me he was basing his costume on Sally a few days ago.