Calvin's Diary (by Sol Harris)

29th October 2010

2010-10-29T14:13:00.001+01:00

Last night, I went to a Halloween party dressed as Calvin.

Follow me on Twitter!@cyber_turnip

5th of October 2010

2010-10-05T02:50:00.005+01:00

Calvin is currently obsessed with micropenises (Google them).

Also, Calvin gets extremely gushy over Goldfinger here:

Follow me on Twitter!@cyber_turnip

1st of October 2010

2010-10-02T01:34:00.003+01:00

Due to entertaining his boyfriend, Calvin was largely absent for today's house pranks (which included a lot of locking people out of rooms and attacking them with water guns).

I did, however, swap the contents of his cupboard around so that everything on the left was on the right and vice versa. My housemates claimed that "He probably won't even notice". When Calvin went into the kitchen, we heard him shout "IT'S BEEN MIRRORED!" with a slight hint of terror in his voice.
Apparently the cupboard is laid out in an important way. For example, he can pick a bowl up with his left hand and some cereal with his right, allowing for an easy pouring experience. I essentially had destroyed Calvin's world.

Follow me on Twitter!@cyber_turnip

13th September 2010

2010-09-13T00:47:00.003+01:00

Click this to see it full-size so that you can, you know, read it.

Follow me on Twitter!@cyber_turnip

12th September 2010

2010-09-13T00:34:00.004+01:00

Calvin's trying to become internet famous without my help.

It's, somewhat annoyingly, not bad so you'll have to just laugh at his voice rather than him making a crap video. And you're allowed a legitimate laugh at his watching-Bond-have-sex face.

Follow me on Twitter!@cyber_turnip

7th September 2010

2010-09-07T03:40:00.004+01:00

So I was looking at the search terms that have been bringing people to this blog.

One of the most common is "brundlefly calvin".

Somewhat more perplexing is "calvin dyson goose bay".

People are strange.

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@cyber_turnip

31st August 2010

2010-08-31T04:49:00.001+01:00

Here's one from the Calvin archives for you:

13th August 2010

2010-08-13T02:15:00.002+01:00

From now on, I intend to call Calvin "flower".

More details on this story as it develops.

13th of February, 2010

2010-02-13T01:49:00.002Z

Calvin is literally scared and repulsed by the mentally ill.

I have taken to chasing him around the house whilst doing a somewhat un-PC impression of a mentally ill person. It's justified in that it terrifies him and is therefore hilarious.

2nd of February, 2010

2010-02-02T23:54:00.003Z

Calvin doesn't want Gabourey Sidibe (the favourite at this year's Oscars for best lead actress) to win the award for 'Precious' because she's "just some fat black woman". This means she probably won't get many more lead roles in Hollywood.

Apparently, the Oscars are supposed to go to people who'll get offered loads of work afterwards and not to whoever gave the best performance. Silly (racist) Calvin.

31st of January, 2010

2010-01-31T18:30:00.002Z

Calvin caught his third sex disease recently: scabies. This is a parasitic little mite-like thing and it's horrible, but on the plus side, Calvin now knows that he definitely doesn't have HIV yet because those two combine to make Brundlefly-hands.
Calvin spent his Saturday sat in scabies-skin-cream for 8 hours. Maybe he'll stop being such a slag now. Probably not though.

25th of December (Christmas)

2009-12-27T15:28:00.002Z

My mum bought me Calvin's gay hat for Christmas. Deary me.

17th of December (Thursday)

2009-12-18T03:31:00.002Z

Calvin Dyson has been named #3 in this list of 10 men I'd most-likely fancy if I were gay.

Check it.

16th of December (Wednesday)

2009-12-16T00:42:00.004Z

Calvin has a new catch-phrase. It's not "Really?!" any more.

He hasn't actually said it in his life (well, he hadn't until I blackmailed him into saying it earlier) but it sounds exactly like something he would say. I intend to keep doing impressions of Calvin saying it (cutting him off and saying it before he has a chance to respond to things, etc) and spread it around so much that people actually begin to think Calvin says it all the time. Or even better, so much that Calvin starts to actually say it.

It's "Are you barking mad?!"

The following statement may or may not be true:
Earlier on I told Calvin that Timothy Dalton was the best Bond.
He replied "Are you barking mad?!"

15th of December (Tuesday)

2009-12-15T09:55:00.004Z

Calvin is a strange person.

I played him the fantastic Unintended by Muse the other day. He asked what it was because he liked it and wanted to download it for his own.
He remembered that it was by Muse but forgot the name of the song so I told him it was Stockholm Syndrome; a very 'heavy' rock song also by Muse. Calvin has since favourited Stockholm Syndrome on YouTube and seems oblivious to the fact that they're completely different songs.

For anyone unfamiliar with how they sound, here's Unintended:

And here's Stockholm Syndrome:

Update (comments on Facebook's YouTube feed re him favouriting Stockholm Syndrome):
Sol Máquina
Well it would appear my hilarious joke backfired, hey hey hey.

Calvin Dyson
You made a joke?

Sol Máquina
Did you actually listen to this song before favouriting it?

Calvin Dyson
Yeah...

Sol Máquina
...

Calvin Dyson
Oh right is it not the song from the other day or something? I just heard this and liked it so assumed it must be it.

6th of December (Sunday)

2009-12-07T02:38:00.003Z

Calvin's new potential fancy-man is 6 inches or so shorter than Calvin. Instead of saying 6 inches, Calvin said "He's about half a Subway shorter than me". Oh Calvin.

Also, I just raped Calvin. He remarked "I wish I was stronger".

3rd of December (Thursday)

2009-12-04T00:28:00.002Z

Calvin's Facebook fan-page launched today. Join it, you know you want to.

Here's a link.

2nd of December (Wednesday)

2009-12-03T12:40:00.003Z

Genuine Calvin quote:

"You can't beat a real napkin."

1st of December (Tuesday)

2009-12-02T03:09:00.004Z

Today brought unto us a shocking revelation:

Calvin Michael Dyson was raped.

Calvin told us about how he brought a guy back one night and said guy started 'going at it'. Calvin said "Actually, could you stop that, please?" and the guy didn't stop. Calvin was raped.
He's trying to act like that's not real rape, but it is; it's the worst kind of rape: bum-rape.

29th of November (Sunday)

2009-11-30T01:08:00.003Z

Me and Calvin were talking in our rooms' respective doorways whilst I ate pizza. He started to close the door on me so I stuck the pizza box in the door so he couldn't close it, then ran into my room and slammed the door, leaving him with a pizza box to dispose of.
He stuck it in my doorway so I unfolded it and slid it under his door. He started panic-giggling as he realised what was happening and tried to push it back from his side of the door. I ripped the back of the pizza box off and started to push that under the door whilst the first bit was still being pushed on the left. Calvin was unable to stop 2 bits of box being pushed into his room at once and soon the whole box was in there.

I won the battle of the pizza box.

27th of November (Friday)

2009-11-30T01:05:00.003Z

Calvin spent today making paper-chains in his room. He did this so he wouldn't have to buy any tinsel to decorate for Christmas. When he was finished, he realised that paper-chains look shit and bought some tinsel anyway.

26th of November (Thursday)

2009-11-30T00:47:00.003Z

I'm going to stop this one-post-a-day format for Calvin's blog because it's too much effort to update every day and it's too much effort to think back a few days ago. And this isn't even an entry about what happened to Calvin on the 26th of November.

25th of November (Wednesday)

2009-11-25T23:46:00.004Z

Calvin has a boyfriend now and as such, is too happy to be a comedic character anymore. This could mean the end of the diary unless something bad happens in his life soon. We'll see.

On the way up the stairs, I heard Calvin screaming something along the lines of "Just fucking die! Grrr" to himself in his room. Apparently he was playing Quantum of Solace online, but I'm not so sure.

24th of November (Tuesday)

2009-11-25T02:45:00.004Z

Calvin changed a light-bulb for the first time in his life today.

He wore a rubber glove like I did the time I had to stick my finger in the actual outlet due to the bulb shattering due to an electrical surge... except this was just for a normal bit of bulb-changing. He then told me to hold on to him in case he got electricuted. I explained to him that that'd cause me to be shocked as well. He said "Exactly, if I go, I'm taking you down with me". It would have been funny if he was joking.

23rd of November (Monday)

2009-11-24T03:01:00.003Z

I stole Calvin's Pokemon game a few days ago. I went into his room and he wasn't there so I thought about hiding in his cupboard but then decided the joke was getting old. Instead, I decided to take something. I went for the cartridge in his DS so that he'd pick it up and freak out at some point.
Today, I told him that I had something of his and then watched as he looked inside every single one of his blu-ray cases to check that the disc was there. He eventually found that his game was missing and came to my room, complaining. I gave him the game back and a hug because he looked like he was going to cry from the shock.

22nd of November (Sunday)

2009-11-24T02:58:00.004Z

Me and Allen held rehearsals for the actors in our film that Calvin wrote. The actors complained about the last line being weak; I told Calvin and he wouldn't believe that I wasn't trying to wind him up but got really worried that it might be true at the same time. It was.

21st of November (Saturday)

2009-11-23T03:03:00.004Z

I crept up behind Calvin to scare him today. He was in the living room, perusing through the fridge, went "oooh" in his usual Calvinny way and then started smelling it (for you see, he could smell the corned beef in there and found it most appetising).
He turned around and half-fell backwards into the fridge with fright. He said he was embarrassed that I'd caught him giving the fridge a good whiff so I thought I'd post about it here to multiply said embarrassment.

20th of Novemeber (Friday)

2009-11-23T03:00:00.005Z

Calvin told us the story of how he and his current fancy-man had their first kiss tonight. Apparently they were awkward together for a while, then Calvin snapped and said "Look, if I don't kiss you right now, I'm going to go home and kill myself".

And for the record, he didn't want to come across as needy, desperate or slightly deranged.

19th of November (Thursday)

2009-11-23T01:56:00.004Z

Here's a treat from the past: an exchange me and Calvin and Calvin's friend had on one of Calvin's Facebook status-updates ages ago.

Calvin Dyson knows he shouldn't... But he's looking forward to seeing "Sorority Row"...

Jordan Cockcroft
me too :D

Sol Máquina
Lmfao Cockcroft

Jordan Cockcroft
why lmfao?

Sol Máquina
Cock, like a penis. Get it?

Jordan Cockcroft
jeez you'd be suprised that i never hear that joke?.

Calvin Dyson
Ignore Sol, he thinks Mike Myers is funny...

Jordan Cockcroft
ooh i love mike myers :)

Sol Máquina
Coming from a guy who's never seen Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery and was just saying how perfect Mike Myers was in Shrek?

Jordan Cockcroft
calvin you havn't seen austin powers? thats just terrible. i thought you where some movie buff?

Calvin Dyson
What the hell is this? Don't gang up on me!

Sol Máquina
He's not just a movie-buff, he's a James Bond-obsessive movie-buff.

Jordan Cockcroft
i cannot believe you have not seen austin powers. sort it out man

Sol Máquina
Also, lmfao. Lara Cockcroft. Like, a giant penis with some guns trying to rescue a golden statue of a monkey.

Jordan Cockcroft
LOL

Sol Máquina
Lmfao, a small cock farm.

Sol Máquina
Once they sprout, it's easy to make them grow.

Jordan Cockcroft
cock farm? what the hell

Sol Máquina
Croft, small farm. Keep up.

Peggy Cockcroft, a 1930s, English porn star.

Jordan Cockcroft
i didn't know a croft was a small farm, thats all. whats with the hatred of my name?

Sol Máquina
You seem a bit wound up. Maybe you should mix yourself a cocktailcroft to calm your nerves.

Sol Máquina
Or maybe you could take out the negative energy on a shuttlecockcroft in a game of badminton.

Calvin Dyson
And they said sarcasm was the lowest form of wit...

Jordan Cockcroft
im really not bothered that you put cock and croft and mix it with somthing new at all :) its a name at the end of the day.

Sol Máquina
Why don't you go and fly a plane Jordan, you can sit in the cockpitcroft.

Jordan Cockcroft
i just may do :) thanks for the suggestion. :)

Sol Máquina
Why don't you go and eat some cock...croft... soup? Rooster? I can't make this one work.

Sol Máquina
Peniscroft.

Jordan Cockcroft
i liked the end one. i enjoy your witty banter :)

Sol Máquina
I bet Jordan is using a Microcockcroft computer.

Jordan Cockcroft
im actually using a macock. yay i joined in

Sol Máquina
My cockcroft is soft.

Jordan Cockcroft
thats possibly the best line you've said all night

Sol Máquina
You scoffed over my cockcroft?

Jordan Cockcroft
i did indeed :)

Sol Máquina
My cockcroft just coughed... up some white water.

Jordan Cockcroft
damn thats rude

Calvin deletes my comments about his name nowadays because he believes in censorship.

18th of November (Wednesday)

2009-11-21T00:28:00.004Z

I was dressed as a woman for a short 'film' yesterday. Calvin complained today, that he didn't take the time to "take me in" when he had the chance. Apparently I just looked like a woman as opposed to a man dressed as a woman. It's because I'm pretty and Calvin loves me and he's straight but doesn't realise it and I'm going to make him realise but then he'll realise he's actually a bit gay because the girl who made him straight was a boy.

17th of November (Tuesday)

2009-11-21T00:20:00.005Z

Calvin and his fancy-man went on a third-date tonight. They went to a gay bar and bumped into a man they'd both slept with. The gays really do have their own sub-society within ours, it's fascinating. I mean, even if a guy and a girl were on a date and they'd both slept with someone they bumped into, the chances of it being brought into the conversation are even more minimal than that scenario occuring in the first place.

Calvin got a text from the fancy-man whilst in my room and sort of melted a bit whilst "awwww"ing at it. It read "I can't sleep because I'm thinking of you x". Jesus.
I sent Calvin a text because I knew he'd think it was yet another of the many texts from his fancy man and get all excited about it. It read "I can't sleep because I'm thinking of you and I can't cum x". I stood outside his room and heard his phone-alert followed by a rummage. Then he opened the door and gave me a stare of death.

16th of November (Monday)

2009-11-20T23:36:00.005Z

I can't remember what Calvin did today so instead here's a snippet I forgot to include from the past, an actual, real-life Calvin quote from when we walked home after seeing Harry Brown:

"The only people that don't annoy me are white males aged 18-55".

15th of November (Sunday)

2009-11-17T01:02:00.004Z

Calvin had a 2nd date tonight. I don't approve of the guy. I've never met him, but I read his Facebook profile and he filled out his favourite books section with magazines.

Later, I called Calvin a hymen. The reference went over his head. I asked if he knew what a hymen was and he said "It's something to do with women".

14th of November (Saturday)

2009-11-15T20:13:00.002Z

Me and Calvin saw a film narrated by David Hyde Pierce today. The director did a Q&A afterwards and someone asked about David; this lead to about 10 minutes of talk about how great David Hyde Pierce is. This made Calvin moist.

13th of November (Friday)

2009-11-15T20:09:00.003Z

Me and Calvin went to a screening of The Blair Witch Project tonight. When we got home, Calvin put the latch on the door and double-checked that all the locks were locked. Then, he got scared when I turned the light out in the corridoor.
I waited outside the bathroom whilst he was in it because I needed to get in. When he opened the door, he lept out of his skin and somehow managed to turn the light off and on a few times in the process which made him jump even more.

12th of November (Thursday)

2009-11-15T20:06:00.003Z

Calvin went on a date today.

He told me how he made a huge risky gamble by taking the guy to Fab Cafe (a nerd bar). Then he told me how the guy likes Star Trek. That isn't a gamble.

Later, he told me how he told the guy the only joke he knows.
"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Rape".
Surely THAT was the gamble.

11th of November (Wednesday)

2009-11-14T01:42:00.003Z

Me and Calvin saw some animated short films competing at Leeds Film Festival today. Calvin loved a really shitty, pretentious film that was a French poem about some old woman cheating on her husband. He liked it because there was a bit where her husband was at a computer screen with cobwebs on him. It's things like this that make me think that Calvin might be gay.
We went to the Fab Cafe quiz as usual and another team had a name making fun of Calvin again. They were called something like 'The Big Fat Calvins'. Best name ever.

10th of November (Tuesday)

2009-11-11T01:55:00.004Z

I've re-captured the metaophorical flag of who-can-make-the-other-feel-more-awkward that Calvin stole from me when he got naked in my room recently.

We had a hug, I told him I had a semi-chubb on and he had a heart-attack of disgust.

9th of November (Monday)

2009-11-11T01:25:00.002Z

Calvin didn't do anything interesting today because he's boring.

8th of November (Sunday)

2009-11-09T00:42:00.003Z

I've seen over 10 films at the Leeds International Film Festival now and not once have they actually asked me to produce my pass or any ID to prove the tickets are mine. Calvin has seen something like 6 films and on the last 2, they asked him for ID. Twice in a row. Proof that his gay hat makes him look suspicous.

7th of November (Saturday)

2009-11-09T00:31:00.004Z

Today was Calvin's sister's birthday. He refused to give her a card from me if I bought her one because "it would be weird". He says I'm never meeting her ever incase I try anything on.
On the way back from town, me and Allen bumped into Calvin as he was being picked up from outside our house. His sister was in the car. Calvin gave me a stare of death so I told him I loved him loud enough for people inside any nearby cars to hear.

6th of November (Friday)

2009-11-07T13:39:00.004Z

Calvin's blood test came back today, turns out it was glandular fever after all.

I find it hilarious because as it's transmitted orally and lies dormant in the body for ages before kicking off, Calvin obviously picked it up from being a massive slag and will have passed it on to countless other people in the mean time -and it'll probably ruin their Christmas. Calvin's first STD.

If I come down with glandular fever in a month or so, I'm going to be really annoyed because it's going to make it look like me and Calvin are secret lovers.

5th of November (Thursday)

2009-11-07T13:37:00.003Z

Instead of watching colourful things explode in the sky for free at Hyde Park tonight, Calvin opted to walk half an hour and pay money to watch CGI animated explosions at the cinema.

4th of November (Wednesday)

2009-11-07T13:34:00.003Z

Calvin came back today as the Leeds International Film Festival was starting and he had a pass for it. What's a serious illness vs a £60 investment?

He didn't think that much of The Men Who Stare at Goats but fell in love with the author of the book that it's based on who did a Q&A afterwards because he reminded him of Woody Allen.

3rd of November (Tuesday)

2009-11-03T22:27:00.003Z

Calvin told me to come up with a good excuse for him not going in to uni today. I told him that potentially having diabetes or glandular fever was probably a good enough excuse in itself.

2nd of November (Monday)

2009-11-02T20:25:00.003Z

Calvin had a doctor's appointment booked last week but his mum canceled it because she was certain he had swine flu and the government say not to go to the doctors if you have swine flu. He went today and they think he has either diabetes, glandular fever or something else, equally as bad that he can't remember the name of. Silly Calvin's mum.

1st of November (Sunday)

2009-11-02T02:28:00.003Z

Today, Calvin was lured back home by his mother using Sunday roast dinner as bait. He said he'd be back at 6:00 so we could go see a film at the cinema. Allen came over to get some important work done with me and him on our film project at Uni.

Then he decided to stay at home because he loves the attention his mummy gives him for being 'ill'. He put a kiss on the end of the text he sent, telling me, to try and 'sweet-talk' his way out of us being annoyed. Love you too, Calvin. x

31st of October (Saturday)

2009-11-01T14:12:00.003Z

Calvin dressed as Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas for Halloween.

He insisted that it wasn't Sally and was a personification of 'tragedy': a person who has been torn apart and put back together. This might have been a believable excuse if he hasn't told me he was basing his costume on Sally a few days ago.

30th of October (Friday)

2009-10-31T13:41:00.003Z

Calvin has a really round head.

29th of October (Thursday)

2009-10-31T13:39:00.003Z

Calvin skipped morning lectures due to being 'ill'... again. He showed up for our production meeting pre-meeting though, but then went home before the actual meeting. Strange boy.
We won the Fab Cafe quiz without him. He was gutted.

28th of October (Wednesday)

2009-10-29T00:10:00.004Z

A few months ago, I applied for me and Calvin to be on Bargain Hunt purely because I find the idea of Calvin being on Bargain Hunt absolutely hilarious.
We got a call asking if we're still interested today, so Calvin could be coming to a TV near you!
It's a shame David Dickinson doesn't present it anymore as him and Calvin would hit it off like a house on fire.

27th of October (Tuesday)

2009-10-27T22:11:00.004Z

We have a 'surprise' lecture tomorrow at 2pm -we've only been told about it today. Calvin's on his period again because he's still pretending to be ill so he's ignoring anyone who tries to get into his room so when I tried to let him know, he ignored me. I was also trying to return his batteries that Sean stole from him. How rude.

I stood there screaming weird noises at him for 15 minutes (until I had to put some more food in the oven) then for another 15 minutes (until the food was cooked) trying to do him a favour and I was just ignored. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have made an effort with him for half an hour, but I had nothing better to do until my food cooked. Still, what an insolent little shit.

26th of October (Monday)

2009-10-27T22:07:00.003Z

We watched 'Project Scotland' today, a documentary some friends made about their aborted hike through across some mountains in Scotland. Calvin went and so there was lots of footage of him slowly descending into madness where you could only pick out about 2 words per sentence as well as a fantastic bit of footage of everyone waiting for Calvin to catch up with them for about 20 minutes which set up a
"Come on Calvin!"
"FUCK...YOU!....FUCK...YOU!"

Calvin was going to go again next year but now he's re-watched the footage, he's thinking of pussying out.

25th of October (Sunday)

2009-10-25T23:10:00.003Z

We were walking home from the cinema and heard a weird noise. A little bit later, Calvin said "I hope that wasn't someone getting murdered".
"What?"
"Well, then I'd be held partly responsible"

In other news, Calvin is still pretending to be ill.

24th of October (Saturday)

2009-10-24T14:37:00.004+01:00

Today was Calvin's last shift at Tesco. I wouldn't be surprised if he took a gun in and just started firing randomly into the queues.
Because Calvin's quit his job, he won't be going home very often. This worries him as he used to get most of his food given to him by his mummy when he went back each week and now that's over and done. And on top of that, he won't have any money to buy food with because he doesn't have a job any more. And he smokes. Idiot.

23rd of October (Friday)

2009-10-24T14:32:00.003+01:00

Calvin had to get up for ANOTHER 10am lecture today. He wasn't happy, especially as I slept until he got back from it at 2 in the afternoon.
I heard him watching Question Time in his room. He doesn't care about politics or the BNP or anything like that; he just wanted to see what they had to say about that Stephen Gately article in The Daily Mail.
He spent the rest of the day sleeping until his mummy or daddy or someone came to pick him up to go back home for the weekend at about 8:30 or so. I breathed all over the window and wrote "I LOVE YOU" in backwards writing in the condensation. Calvin pretended that he didn't see it. His mummy/daddy/whoever drove off awkwardly.

22nd of October (Thursday)

2009-10-24T14:28:00.003+01:00

Calvin hadn't recovered from getting no sleep on Monday yet so he wasn't happy about getting up at 9:30 for a lecture today.
All he did was moan, then he had the nerve to complain about me 'moaning' about my kick-ass bolognese I'd cooked and I was looking forwards to eating. This wasn't moaning, it was excessive anticipation, but Calvin can't read emotions -that's why he's such an insolent little shit at times.
He spent most of the rest of the day asleep.

21st of October (Wednesday)

2009-10-22T00:34:00.003+01:00

We went to the Fab Cafe pub-quiz. Our usual team name is some movie title with 'Calvin' in place of one of the words. My favourite so far is one of mine: An American Werewolf in Calvin.
We've reached a level of fame within the quiz due to doing well every week and so this week, we were beaten by a team named I Shagged Calvin's Mum.
Best. Name. Ever.

20th of October (Tuesday)

2009-10-20T18:36:00.007+01:00

Calvin didn't get any sleep last night (literally). We went to animation and produced some storyboards he'd made. There were 3 pictures per page of A4, but he could have easily fit 6 on each side at least. He'd layed them out so it looked like he'd done more work than he actually had.
I hid in his cupboard again and waited for him to settle down before jumping out, screaming. He nearly had a heart-attack... again. My goal is to get him to a point where he can't go into his room without checking his cupboard for me -sort of like induced OCD.

Here's a picture of Calvin from last night. It's the most unsubtle checking out of someone's arse I have seen in my entire life.

19th of October (Monday)

2009-10-20T18:12:00.003+01:00

Calvin was in his dressing gown when I left for directing at 2 in the afternoon, today. He told me that he was going to 'cuddle up with a film and some Milk Tray'. When I got back about 4 hours later, he was still in his dressing gown.
Then he went on a gay night out and posed for lots of photos he now hates because he thinks they make his chin look huge.

18th of October (Sunday)

2009-10-19T01:58:00.004+01:00

Calvin came back today, only to beg me to go and see Halloween II with him despite how it's obviously crap. He kept up his begging for a good 4 hours moreorless non-stop. Eventually I gave in because I'm really lovely to him (and he doesn't deserve it).
As expected, the film sucked but Calvin secretly enjoyed it. It's probably one of his favourite films, second only to the first one.
When we got back, I hid in Calvin's cupboard whilst he was in the bathroom, brushing his teeth. He almost had a heart-attack when I jumped out, screaming, but he wasn't allowed to get angry because I went to see Halloween II with him. Free pass, baby.

17th of October (Saturday)

2009-10-18T00:30:00.004+01:00

Calvin started following this Blog today. Calvin, you're a minor internet celebrity!

16th of October (Friday)

2009-10-18T00:04:00.003+01:00

Calvin spent most of today preparing to quit his job. He's scared of the woman he works for. Pussy.

15th of October (Thursday)

2009-10-16T00:08:00.004+01:00

I bought a piece of pig-trachea from the pet-store in the market today (presumably being sold for dogs to chew on). I left it in Calvin's fridge compartment to freak him out but whilst there, saw that his milk was leaking. I mentioned the leak to him and he went batshit insane, shouting about how someone has been using his milk. He was so angry, he didn't even notice the pig-throat; that prank's now on hold.
Conor owned up to using the milk (Conor's borrowed milk from Calvin in the past and Calvin has been very unhappy because he's uptight).
Later, Conor accidentally smashed Calvin's one and only bowl whilst doing the washing up. Calvin came into my room, deflated. He was really angry, but at the same time knew he wasn't justified in being angry because it was an accident and who only has one bowl for God's sake?

Calvin was going to go on a gay night out, then he changed his mind because he couldn't find more than one person to go with him, then he changed his mind because he found more people to go with him, then he changed his mind because he was tired, then the extra people dropped out, then Calvin went out anyway. No doubt, he'll bring back someone, get bummed, then complain about it tomorrow.

14th of October (Wednesday)

2009-10-16T00:01:00.004+01:00

Happy birthday, Calvin!

Calvin is now 20. This upsets him as he's a fifth of a century old and he's accomplished nothing. He's nearly dead.

I gave Calvin this diary (in hardback book form) as his birthday present. He was creeped out. I took it back so I can carry on writing it. I'm great at presents.

We went to the Fab Cafe pub quiz and came 2nd which got us a free round of drinks. Allen's team had obviously won, but someone had marked them wrongly so we got our free drinks in before things were sorted out. We were actually 3rd and didn't deserve anything. Me and Sean got the most expensive drink in house as per usual, whereas Calvin went for a single shot of Sailor Jerry's and Coke. What is wrong with him?

Then we went home and me and Jonni got a chinese take-away in Calvin's honour. What a mental night of partying.

13th of October 2009 (Tuesday)

2009-10-13T23:03:00.005+01:00

Calvin and I had to come up with ideas for animated films at uni today and storyboard them. I made something great up on the spot but Calvin doesn't have an imagination so he didn't.
Calvin made me sit around for an hour in our uni building's reception, waiting for a screening of the film M. It was lame and we couldn't follow any of it as it's German and the subtitles were white writing on a predominantly white background. Calvin left after about half an hour after he made me attend. Dick.
I snuck away and bought him a giant French Fancy for his birthday tomorrow. He'll probably cry at that. It's definitely the nicest thing anybody has ever done for him (people rarely even give Calvin a reach-around). As if that wasn't enough, me and Jonni are organising some sort of birthday shindig for him tomorrow. Calvin's lucky to have us as friends. Frankly, we're out of his league.

12th of October 2009 (Monday)

2009-10-13T01:27:00.004+01:00

Calvin was lazy and stayed home for most of today. He ate pizza which he had in the fridge, on a plate, wrapped in cling-film for lunch, then his mother and sister I'm going to sleep with showed up to take him out to dinner.
He insisted that I watch Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween with him so that we can see the sequel on his birthday this Wednesday (Calvin traditionally goes to the cinema on his birthday. For his 18th, he saw The Invasion. I don't envy his life). It was one of the worst films I have ever seen.
I ate his birthday biscuits.

11th of October 2009 (Sunday)

2009-10-12T02:10:00.005+01:00

Calvin knocked on my door this morning to complain about his terrible night.

The highlight of his night out was getting off with a woman. He talked about how her face was soft and lovely. I always knew he was straight, it's just a case of sneaking some straight porn onto his computer and waiting for him to find it now.

He also took poppers, apparently they didn't loosen up his arsehole like they're supposed to.

10th of October 2009 (Saturday)

2009-10-11T01:13:00.003+01:00

Calvin was really freaked out by Becky's friends who were downstairs today. He made me go downstairs with him so he could cook dinner and feel less awkward around them.

Then he got drunk and told me that I'm like a pet of his if he were into beastiality.

9th of October 2009 (Friday)

2009-10-11T01:05:00.005+01:00

Calvin had his period today. He told me how he hated me and he's glad he gets to move out of our house next year. Presumably it passed fairly quickly as he later told me how I'm his favourite person and he loves me.
We went to the Leeds Light Festival, a load of pretentious 'art' installations around the city with no actual depth or purpose. Calvin loved it because he enjoys shit, that is until we got to an attraction that a hairy man Calvin had a one-night-stand with was working at.
Calvin and me decided to watch Grizzly Man. Half-way through he complained that it was more disturbing than and not quite the laugh-riot he'd expected. For the record, I did warn him and give him the option of watching Borat. Fool.

8th of October (Thursday)

2009-10-11T01:01:00.004+01:00

I can't remember what happened today so for the sake of argument, Calvin beat up a pregnant woman because she was black and he didn't want her to bring any more 'little turd-piglets' into the world. What a horrible racist.

7th of October 2009 (Wednesday)

2009-10-11T00:54:00.003+01:00

Calvin worked his little socks off on a film-pitch for our course at uni today.

We went to the Fab Cafe pub quiz to cool-off after a hard day (plus we always go). We won (Calvin didn't have any input but he still got a cut of the winnings). Then we went to see Zombieland afterwards. Calvin went straight on Facebook to spoil the surprise cameo for everyone because he's a prick sometimes.

6th of October, 2009 (Tuesday)

2009-10-07T19:07:00.005+01:00

Calvin opened a proverbial door today by going to Greggs. I finally convinced him to give them a try instead of Subway. But he bought a pizza-baguette. Why do I even bother?

We went shopping at Morrisons where his mum phoned him. He started to talk like a parody of himself; presumably his accent has weakened from living around normal people.

There was a small Asian woman eating a Greggs pizza-baguette in the super-market. I told Calvin that it was him in 20 years.

5th of October 2009 (Monday)

2009-10-06T00:28:00.003+01:00

Calvin went on Carnegay's night out (the Leeds met gay/bi/lezzer/tranny/shemale society) tonight and came back the drunkest I've ever seen him.
He spent much of the night singing along incredibly loudly to the Disney sequence from the recent season-opener of Family Guy.
Then he came into my room and slowly removed items of clothing whilst I was working on the PC. First his belt, then he unbuttoned his shirt, then I turned around to see him taking his trousers off wearing nothing but his boxers.
I asked him what he was doing. "I'm getting undressed! Do you have a problem with that?!" he replied. Then he stood staring at me for a few seconds before scooping his clothes up and marching into his room.
For the first time, Calvin has one-upped me. I'm genuinely uncomfortable, scared and confused.

4th of October 2009

2009-10-05T00:06:00.006+01:00

I annoyed Calvin by trying to pick his room's lock today. I told him part of the paperclip had broken off inside the lock and he nearly shat himself with rage. It hadn't really.

He was having an important meeting with Allen so I pinned a drawing of a cock to his door. He found it so I pinned an empty crisp-packet to his door with a tissue inside. I told him it was a 'spunky tissue' but it wasn't really. Then I pinned a bin-bag of rubbish to his door and went to the toilet. When I got back, he was banging on my door and shouting because he thought I was still inside.

I told Calvin that he looks a bit simian. He didn't like it. The truth hurts.

I took a Fab lolly out of the freezer and started eating it; Calvin nearly shat himself with with rage for the second time. Calvin bought a box of Fabs you see, but little to his knowledge: I bought one too. "You've crossed a line!" he exclaimed before I explained. He felt silly afterwards.

I was playing with Calvin's cigarettes and he bent one a tiny bit whilst trying to grab it back, then he stormed upstairs grumbling about how he's going to move out next year. I put tape over the lightswitch outside our rooms sticking it in the off position so that he won't be able to turn the light on when he goes to the toilet in the middle of the night.

3rd of October 2009

2009-10-04T16:13:00.002+01:00

Calvin didn't see me today. He went to work instead. He loves work.

2nd of October 2009

2009-10-03T02:14:00.005+01:00

We (me and friends, not me and Calvin) went to see The Invention of Lying today. Calvin said he'd come even though he hates Ricky Gervais because he owes me for going to see that shitty Dorian Gray film with him, then he ran away. He was so smug when I told him the film was only "alright".
He rang me up asking when I was going to see Toy Story in 3D. I told him I was waiting until he comes back on Sunday (he's gone home for the weekend) and he nearly started crying. That's probably the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for him.
When he left, he didn't turn the TV off. Little shit should think about the enviornment for once, he already pollutes it enough with his second-hand smoke and his gayness.

1st of October 2009

2009-10-03T02:11:00.003+01:00

Calvin's loan came in today; he wasted lots of money on shit DVDs and needlessly expensive blu-rays.
We played movie Buzz; on one round Pierce Brosnan and Audrey Hepburn came up as specialist subjects. You should have seen the look on his little, gay face.

30th of September 2009

2009-10-03T02:09:00.005+01:00

Calvin met with Dan to watch Fame at the cinema today. He bumped into Conor and was silent on the walk home. Serves him right, I told him it would be shit. I'd like to think that in the future, Calvin won't go to see any old crap purely for Kelsey Grammar but I fear this is too much to ask.

29th of September 2009

2009-10-03T02:02:00.003+01:00

Calvin woke up today and made scrambled eggs. He obviously did it so that he'd have another excuse not to try my scrambled eggs. I made him try them anyway and he liked them so much he wanted a bit with smoked-salmon but I had used all of the smoked-salmon on my last batch; serves him right.
I overslept which made Calvin about 2 minutes late for lectures. He didn't say anything but he's obviously secretly terrified that this is going to become a regular thing.